Hey, feisty ones!
As the middle of summer approaches and my birthday month is here (yay!), I decided to take a cross-country trip of adventure, healing, and finding myself. So, I want to bring you all along for the ride in the Intern Travel Logs. For our first one, there will be some funny trip confessions and a little about the anxiety of leaving my home.
Before this long-planned road trip had even started, it seemed like Oklahoma didn’t want to let go of me. Everything that could have gone wrong did. Rental car problems, family emergency, and anxiety attack after anxiety attack. After that whole mess of life happened, we were driving off to start our adventure (my cousin and I), and we went by a certain establishment that holds a lot of pain for me. The place I met my ex, fell in love with him, and worked there with him. It’s been a year, so I figured that I’d be fine.
Until I saw him standing right out front of it.
Man, when someone says they get a rush of feelings, I understand what they mean. It put me into instant tears. A year trying to forget him and not think about him hit me all at once. I could barely sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this.
I hate driving past the place
I fell in love with you at.
We met there.
We worked there.
Our relationship started there.
I still get butterflies
when I see you outside of it.
Butterflies that turn
into emptiness and pain.
There was a time the butterflies
made me happy.
Now they make me sick.
Before driving past this place
I have to come up with a plan.
A distraction.
Music, phone, clouds.
Anything, but looking out the window to see you.
What hurts the most
is that when I see you.
You don’t see me.
Not anymore.
You’ve moved on.
Happy with a cigarette in your mouth.
The same strut you’ve always had.
The long pony tale with bands all the way down it.
I bet some of those are still my hair ties.
Or hers.
The one you couldn’t wait to be with.
The one you talked to while with me.
I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me
but it does. I was loyal.
I fought by your side.
I have you everything.
You walked away like it was nothing.
I put everything I had on the table.
Bet it all. You played the dealer.
Charismatically fled the responsibility.
Fled my life.
I’m still broken.
I still miss you.
I still love you.
I dream of how things would have been
just to wake up in this nightmare.
It doesn’t matter.
One day I will be strong.
Strong enough to understand
you were a boy.
And I need a man.
It’s okay to have a rush of feelings like this. It is normal. Everyone handles heartbreak differently. I write. And I hope you enjoyed my attempt at writing these feelings down. Make sure you like and subscribe for more travel logs and crazy stories.
Here’s my Intern Travel Tip #1
Make sure there’s toilet paper before you sit down to go poop. (Lesson learned).
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